I can't eat. I want to eat. I'm starving. But everything hurts and burns and I feel like I'm going to die just swallowing some water. Solid foods hurt. Liquids hurt. Thinking about eating hurts. No wonder cancer patients lose weight; this is insane.
I apparently have some sort of irritation deep in my esophagus (right between my fake tits, if we're being specific) (insert your deep throat jokes here; i dare you.) and everything that goes past it burns like a motherfucking ring of fire. I called the oncologist and she recommended Prilosec, Zantac, and Maalox, then Tums if I need them. I'm using all those things and still not really able to eat much. Today I managed one pancake, a tiny bowl of carrot soup, a large sweet tea, and a cup of cold coffee. Anything else I tried stopped after one bite or sip. Tonight I got some of the "magic mouthwash" that I think is supposed to numb your mouth and throat. We'll see if that helps at all.
Other symptoms/issues I had this week were a burning sensation in my mouth for a day or two (I woke up with a taste like I'd smoked a cigar the night before. I haven't done that since my 21st birthday...for that very disgusting reason!) I also had an upset stomach for several days - sometimes of the 'omg run so you don't shit the street' variety. Good times. All these things are pretty common side effects, but the throat thing is the worst of it to me.
Then yesterday I fell down the stairs in my house. God, that was painful. I slipped right off the stair, just like I did in London, only this time without the luxury of falling on my thigh. I'm probably lucky I didn't break a vertebrae. My chiropractor was not. pleased. with me when I got adjusted today - she said it was like my back had been in a car wreck. I could have done without that physical trauma.
And so that I'm not being a complete Bitchy McWhinyPants, there's good news too. I went back to work today! I learned new things and got some stuff done! I have a new office mate and she's so awesome. She appreciates the view of the fraternity lawn and wants to put lewd pictures on the back of our office door. I'm 100% in support of this and I have some things to contribute. There may be a certain NSFW calendar back there soon. Just sayin.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Monday, January 9, 2012
Chemo Round 1
I got news that I'll only have to do four rounds of TC (chemo lite, in my mind) over three months! I started on Thursday, January 5th and here's a breakdown of how the next few days went:
Day 1: IV day. They gave me 4 bags of various pre-meds (Benadryl, anti-nausea meds, etc) then two bags of chemo drugs. I felt kinda sleepy, but I imagine the Benadryl was responsible for that. The first day took about 5 hours because they were behind on insurance stuff and had a lot of patients. The actual IV part only took about 3.5 hours. Not so bad, and next time should be even faster. I started feeling a little loopy and weak later in the evening, but still no real symptoms other than a loss of taste and some metallic-esque tastes in my mouth.
Day 2: I'm a bit sleepy today, but I didn't sleep well last night due to the steroids they gave me for the 3 days post chemo.
Day 3: I slept pretty good last night and did a lot more than I thought I could today, including a visit to the chiropractor, brunch with some LSG friends, chilling at the yarn store, and going for a short walk. I feel a bit like I do before I get a cold, so kind of run down, but otherwise I seem to be ok.
Day 4: I did ok today too, for the most part. There's some mild tummy discomfort and a bit of chest and facial flushing sometimes, but both are side effects of the steroid and it will be interesting to see how I feel tomorrow when those are gone - luckily I only have to deal with those for three days each round! The steroid also keeps me awake, so I may be more tired than I realize.
Day 5: I got plenty of sleep last night and today I feel just fine! I know some of the fatigue will be cumulative, but if this is the worst of it, I'm completely ok with the whole process. I think the pre-meds and steroid are really helpful in preventing the major side effects and I hope they continue to go that route with me.
Day 1: IV day. They gave me 4 bags of various pre-meds (Benadryl, anti-nausea meds, etc) then two bags of chemo drugs. I felt kinda sleepy, but I imagine the Benadryl was responsible for that. The first day took about 5 hours because they were behind on insurance stuff and had a lot of patients. The actual IV part only took about 3.5 hours. Not so bad, and next time should be even faster. I started feeling a little loopy and weak later in the evening, but still no real symptoms other than a loss of taste and some metallic-esque tastes in my mouth.
Day 2: I'm a bit sleepy today, but I didn't sleep well last night due to the steroids they gave me for the 3 days post chemo.
Day 3: I slept pretty good last night and did a lot more than I thought I could today, including a visit to the chiropractor, brunch with some LSG friends, chilling at the yarn store, and going for a short walk. I feel a bit like I do before I get a cold, so kind of run down, but otherwise I seem to be ok.
Day 4: I did ok today too, for the most part. There's some mild tummy discomfort and a bit of chest and facial flushing sometimes, but both are side effects of the steroid and it will be interesting to see how I feel tomorrow when those are gone - luckily I only have to deal with those for three days each round! The steroid also keeps me awake, so I may be more tired than I realize.
Day 5: I got plenty of sleep last night and today I feel just fine! I know some of the fatigue will be cumulative, but if this is the worst of it, I'm completely ok with the whole process. I think the pre-meds and steroid are really helpful in preventing the major side effects and I hope they continue to go that route with me.
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Small Victories
Today marks four weeks out from surgery! I'm so glad to be mobile again. The drains are out, I can drive, and I traded in my car for my consolation prize:
Aww yeah. I really want a 'fuck you, cancer' bumper sticker for the back, if for no other reason than people don't think I'm rich and snobby. I still have pink hair! I still wear my Vans! Don't judge me!
This week's round of appointments have all been filled with good news. The breast surgeon says I look great and he only wants to see me one more time in February to make sure I'm healing and my range of motion have returned. The plastic surgeon has started pumping up my expanders and also says that things look as they should (though quite frankly, the girls are a little lumpy at half mast right now, though the p.s. swears it will get better!). Finally, I met with the oncologist, who had the best news yet. She says I may be able to skip the hard core chemo (AC and Taxol) and do the intermediate grade chemo (TC) instead! I'd be done in 12 weeks instead of 16 or 20! The cancer center sent off my tumor samples to be tested for recurrence, so I'll know officially when those results come back next week. Regardless, chemo starts December 28th, and I hope to have a schedule the day before that.
Small victories is the stuff unicorn farts are made of! True story.
Aww yeah. I really want a 'fuck you, cancer' bumper sticker for the back, if for no other reason than people don't think I'm rich and snobby. I still have pink hair! I still wear my Vans! Don't judge me!
This week's round of appointments have all been filled with good news. The breast surgeon says I look great and he only wants to see me one more time in February to make sure I'm healing and my range of motion have returned. The plastic surgeon has started pumping up my expanders and also says that things look as they should (though quite frankly, the girls are a little lumpy at half mast right now, though the p.s. swears it will get better!). Finally, I met with the oncologist, who had the best news yet. She says I may be able to skip the hard core chemo (AC and Taxol) and do the intermediate grade chemo (TC) instead! I'd be done in 12 weeks instead of 16 or 20! The cancer center sent off my tumor samples to be tested for recurrence, so I'll know officially when those results come back next week. Regardless, chemo starts December 28th, and I hope to have a schedule the day before that.
Small victories is the stuff unicorn farts are made of! True story.
Saturday, November 26, 2011
The Scar Project
If you haven't yet, please go take a look at and support the brave women of The Scar Project. These are professional photos of breast cancer survivors under 40. It's not a walk or a pink ribbon, it's reality and not for the feint of heart. Some people say they see sadness in the eyes of these women. And there's some of that yes, because we do lose a lot of our identity in this process and it can be hard to overcome that. I find myself struggling sometimes with the way I look one week out from surgery, but I also realize that now is not forever. I'll look completely different one year from now and I just have to be patient with the process. That's probably the hardest part for me - patience with myself.
What I see in this project is strength, beauty, courage, wisdom and humanity. It takes a lot of guts to accept the way we look afterwards and show it to others - to show people reality. That’s what I see.
I can accept the way I’m going to look when all of my reconstruction is over, but I’m also going to embrace everything that makes me feel beautiful again, including tattoos encompassing my scars. They’re a part of me now and I intend to make them mine in whatever way I can.
What I see in this project is strength, beauty, courage, wisdom and humanity. It takes a lot of guts to accept the way we look afterwards and show it to others - to show people reality. That’s what I see.
I can accept the way I’m going to look when all of my reconstruction is over, but I’m also going to embrace everything that makes me feel beautiful again, including tattoos encompassing my scars. They’re a part of me now and I intend to make them mine in whatever way I can.
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Surgery hurdle cleared!
Today is Thanksgiving and I have so much to be thankful for! I wasn't sure there would even BE a Thanksgiving, but some awesome friends brought over enough food for ten people and we've had a royal feast today. I'm so completely grateful for the people I've come to know and love over the years. I'm very, very lucky.
I'm a week out from surgery now. Dr. Moore (my plastic surgeon) saw me yesterday and says everything is healing wonderfully and I should have the drains out the next time I see him on Tuesday. He seemed to feel really good about my progress and the one nipple I got to keep (the left). I've only been a little grossed out when I happen to feel around one night and could feel the crinkliness of the not-yet pumped up expanders under my skin. Blech. But my tits are going to look great once they're all done and that makes me pretty happy.
I'm off the Lortab as of yesterday (thank the gods), walking around (up to a 1/2 mile today), getting up and down the stairs, and bathing and dressing myself. I still have a lot of muscle soreness and getting myself out of bed in the morning is hard, but I'm impressed with my recovery and abilities probably more than anyone else. I have a pretty low threshold for pain so I thought this would just kick my ass for a good while. I've had some crap days and some crap hours, but for the most part I'm in very good spirits and I feel pretty damn good. I'm surprised by how strong I am physically; how tough I am mentally; and how resilient I am in every way. This is not entirely news to me, but it's nice to have hard evidence!
Next up is a follow up with the PS, then a follow up with the surgeon on Dec. 12th.
ETA: I'm knitting today, y'all! YAY!!!
I'm a week out from surgery now. Dr. Moore (my plastic surgeon) saw me yesterday and says everything is healing wonderfully and I should have the drains out the next time I see him on Tuesday. He seemed to feel really good about my progress and the one nipple I got to keep (the left). I've only been a little grossed out when I happen to feel around one night and could feel the crinkliness of the not-yet pumped up expanders under my skin. Blech. But my tits are going to look great once they're all done and that makes me pretty happy.
I'm off the Lortab as of yesterday (thank the gods), walking around (up to a 1/2 mile today), getting up and down the stairs, and bathing and dressing myself. I still have a lot of muscle soreness and getting myself out of bed in the morning is hard, but I'm impressed with my recovery and abilities probably more than anyone else. I have a pretty low threshold for pain so I thought this would just kick my ass for a good while. I've had some crap days and some crap hours, but for the most part I'm in very good spirits and I feel pretty damn good. I'm surprised by how strong I am physically; how tough I am mentally; and how resilient I am in every way. This is not entirely news to me, but it's nice to have hard evidence!
Next up is a follow up with the PS, then a follow up with the surgeon on Dec. 12th.
ETA: I'm knitting today, y'all! YAY!!!
Friday, November 11, 2011
...and we're back!
My trip to London was awesome and amazing. I'm so glad I went! If you'd like to see pictures, my Flickr album is here. Forgive my derp face. The sights are worth it though.
The surgery is the 17th (Thursday) and I have pre-op appointments with my surgeon, the hospital, and the plastic surgeon on the 14th (Monday). I'm not looking forward to any of these, but alas, they come next week anyway.
For those of you asking about helping out, the Lotsa Helping Hands site is up and has a calendar function with meal sign ups for now. We'll add chemo dates when I know them, in case you want to join me for IV fun times! The wish list is linked there too, along with Carrie's Paypal (carrie.coker AT gmail.com) for anyone who would like to donate to purchase meals or medical expenses/leave, etc. All the offers of help have been really touching, and I'm so honored to have such wonderful friends!
I'll update again after all the Monday appointments, as I'm sure they'll be fascinating and full of Sharpie marks on my chest. Woo!
The surgery is the 17th (Thursday) and I have pre-op appointments with my surgeon, the hospital, and the plastic surgeon on the 14th (Monday). I'm not looking forward to any of these, but alas, they come next week anyway.
For those of you asking about helping out, the Lotsa Helping Hands site is up and has a calendar function with meal sign ups for now. We'll add chemo dates when I know them, in case you want to join me for IV fun times! The wish list is linked there too, along with Carrie's Paypal (carrie.coker AT gmail.com) for anyone who would like to donate to purchase meals or medical expenses/leave, etc. All the offers of help have been really touching, and I'm so honored to have such wonderful friends!
I'll update again after all the Monday appointments, as I'm sure they'll be fascinating and full of Sharpie marks on my chest. Woo!
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
London Calling...
The whirlwind is finally dying down a bit, I think. Since I last posted, I've meet with a plastic surgeon, got some anxiety meds from my GP, given blood for genetic testing (which came back negative! woo!), had a heart scan and gone through the chemo education appointment.
The last appointment before I leave for London is on Monday (10/31) and it's a final wrap up to make some decisions and schedule surgery and chemo. I'm a little nervous, because that makes it all real and gives me a day to dread/look forward to. My plan for London is to leave all this behind and just have an absolute blast. I may have to be given drugs in order to get on the plane back home, but I'm excited about the trip and I'm spending this week focusing on getting ready. It's surreal that it's almost here! God, I have so. much. to do.
As it stands at this moment, with the genetic test coming back negative, I won't need to have additional surgeries (no ovary removal or hysterectomy!) and I may be able to get my IV port inserted during the mastectomy surgery. I'd been on the fence for a while about whether to do the one boob or both, but I really think both is the right decision for me. The plastic surgeon can do the implant in one and a lift in the other for symmetry, but from the pictures I've seen, symmetry is more a theory than a reality. While that's important to me, I also don't want to have to deal with this again. If I keep the left one, I'll have to have a biopsy on the cyst, just to be sure, before surgery and I don't know that I can go through all the emotion and stress that comes with that again.
I’ve also had the clear reality that all of this is up to me. No one can take it away or do it for me. I know I’m not, but I feel so alone sometimes and that's really hard for me to deal with. One of the lessons to learn here, I guess: that it’s ok to be alone and that I can handle it. But man, I hate that this shit wads up all your issues and throws them at you. It's hard to deal with health issues and emotional bullshit all at once, but you don't really get a choice. The best I can do is take deep breaths and try to focus on what I can control instead of what I can't. I have such little tolerance for being overwhelmed now, that I feel lucky if I can handle watching tv AND knitting at the same time. It's like I've totally accomplished something huge when I pull that off, "OMG I knit 5 rows and I paid attention to that show! Holy shit!". That feels really lame, but it's just the way it is right now. I know it will get better, eventually.
I can't wait to be in London and just forget about all this for a while. Bring it on.
The last appointment before I leave for London is on Monday (10/31) and it's a final wrap up to make some decisions and schedule surgery and chemo. I'm a little nervous, because that makes it all real and gives me a day to dread/look forward to. My plan for London is to leave all this behind and just have an absolute blast. I may have to be given drugs in order to get on the plane back home, but I'm excited about the trip and I'm spending this week focusing on getting ready. It's surreal that it's almost here! God, I have so. much. to do.
As it stands at this moment, with the genetic test coming back negative, I won't need to have additional surgeries (no ovary removal or hysterectomy!) and I may be able to get my IV port inserted during the mastectomy surgery. I'd been on the fence for a while about whether to do the one boob or both, but I really think both is the right decision for me. The plastic surgeon can do the implant in one and a lift in the other for symmetry, but from the pictures I've seen, symmetry is more a theory than a reality. While that's important to me, I also don't want to have to deal with this again. If I keep the left one, I'll have to have a biopsy on the cyst, just to be sure, before surgery and I don't know that I can go through all the emotion and stress that comes with that again.
I’ve also had the clear reality that all of this is up to me. No one can take it away or do it for me. I know I’m not, but I feel so alone sometimes and that's really hard for me to deal with. One of the lessons to learn here, I guess: that it’s ok to be alone and that I can handle it. But man, I hate that this shit wads up all your issues and throws them at you. It's hard to deal with health issues and emotional bullshit all at once, but you don't really get a choice. The best I can do is take deep breaths and try to focus on what I can control instead of what I can't. I have such little tolerance for being overwhelmed now, that I feel lucky if I can handle watching tv AND knitting at the same time. It's like I've totally accomplished something huge when I pull that off, "OMG I knit 5 rows and I paid attention to that show! Holy shit!". That feels really lame, but it's just the way it is right now. I know it will get better, eventually.
I can't wait to be in London and just forget about all this for a while. Bring it on.
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