London Calling...

The whirlwind is finally dying down a bit, I think.  Since I last posted, I've meet with a plastic surgeon, got some anxiety meds from my GP, given blood for genetic testing (which came back negative! woo!), had a heart scan and gone through the chemo education appointment.

The last appointment before I leave for London is on Monday (10/31) and it's a final wrap up to make some decisions and schedule surgery and chemo. I'm a little nervous, because that makes it all real and gives me a day to dread/look forward to. My plan for London is to leave all this behind and just have an absolute blast. I may have to be given drugs in order to get on the plane back home, but I'm excited about the trip and I'm spending this week focusing on getting ready. It's surreal that it's almost here! God, I have so. much. to do.

As it stands at this moment, with the genetic test coming back negative, I won't need to have additional surgeries (no ovary removal or hysterectomy!) and I may be able to get my IV port inserted during the mastectomy surgery. I'd been on the fence for a while about whether to do the one boob or both, but I really think both is the right decision for me. The plastic surgeon can do the implant in one and a lift in the other for symmetry, but from the pictures I've seen, symmetry is more a theory than a reality. While that's important to me, I also don't want to have to deal with this again. If I keep the left one, I'll have to have a biopsy on the cyst, just to be sure, before surgery and I don't know that I can go through all the emotion and stress that comes with that again.

I’ve also had the clear reality that all of this is up to me. No one can take it away or do it for me. I know I’m not, but I feel so alone sometimes and that's really hard for me to deal with. One of the lessons to learn here, I guess: that it’s ok to be alone and that I can handle it.  But man, I hate that this shit wads up all your issues and throws them at you. It's hard to deal with health issues and emotional bullshit all at once, but you don't really get a choice. The best I can do is take deep breaths and try to focus on what I can control instead of what I can't. I have such little tolerance for being overwhelmed now, that I feel lucky if I can handle watching tv AND knitting at the same time. It's like I've totally accomplished something huge when I pull that off, "OMG I knit 5 rows and I paid attention to that show! Holy shit!".  That feels really lame, but it's just the way it is right now. I know it will get better, eventually.

I can't wait to be in London and just forget about all this for a while.  Bring it on.